This is not the blog I thought I would start a business with, but it seems apt and is really how yoga and meditation are helping me live a more fulfilled and happy life.
So after nearly 3 months of being in India, it was time to say goodbye. One of the things I learned in my time in India , is you are exactly where you are meant to be. The universe takes all sorts of twists and turns , when you least expect it. The key to coping with these changes seems to be to let this happen and not to force, resist this experience.This seems so very hard right now, but through my yoga practice and meditation it is becoming easier.
I had woken up on the 18th of March, to a text from my sister saying to phone home as soon as possible. My father had passed away whilst out cycling with some friends. He was a young sprightly , vivacious 70 year old. A generous and kind man , ever supportive and loving. It was so hard to comprehend that he could be gone…?
I had been living in a state of bliss in Agonda, Goa when I learned of my fathers death. My whole world was turned upside down.
Having completed a months yoga teacher training in January, a new lightness, sense of non-resistance had swept over me. After the month of intensive training, I was keen to keep my sense peace. Soon after leaving the training, the first challenge along the road of life hit. I’d spent a few days in Hampi and then had come back to Goa. I’d been offered a job back in the UK as a physio with a famous dance company, but really i’d wanted to stay longer in India. I was resisting my true hearts desire and was forcing myself to keep up with my ego’s need for the next ‘big job’ . After an encounter with a beautiful conscious man, i realised that i wanted to let go, be present and enjoy what the universe was offering to me. I decided to stay longer and life blossomed. I actually ended up teaching yoga every morning and even helping to teach anatomy, pregnancy yoga and kids yoga on another teacher training program. I was so enjoying teaching, meditating everyday on the beach . Life finally felt calm, beautiful and serene.
So I was in a good space when I heard when the news of my fathers sudden death but nonetheless it hit me hard. I seemed to float my way to the airport, saying goodbye to the beautiful time that India had offered. I was already fighting the reality that I was having to leave , crying my way to the airport. Not knowing when i’d return to the life that I was building there, if i’d return or when I would see the people i loved . So many questions already floating around my mind.
On arrival at home, life seemed so unreal. This week has been one of the hardest times i’ve ever experienced . Arriving back in Scotland to such sadness and grief has suddenly made my body tighten up, my back is aching, shoulders sore and headaches kicking in. Thankfully my yoga practice has been there, I’ve tried to keep a steady grounded practice going, opening myself to the emotions that have been swirling. I’ve been battling with understanding why this has happened?, why my young loving dad has gone?, why did i have to leave India?, what next? , where to? , such bittersweet farewells.
Today, I have managed to remind myself that really we are where we’re meant to be . I am meant to be at home with my mum right now. We are laughing, crying ,walking, talking together and in a way it is beautiful . I’m happy i can be with her and we can spend some time remembering my dad, her beloved husband together.
It can be so easy to fight reality, to run away from what is happening, be resentful, upset, confused and angry. These are obviously natural emotions in such extreme circumstances, but it seems so much lighter to let go of the bitterness and embrace the sweetness. I am remembering the joy of my childhood with a wonderful father, and embracing the time I have right now, here , today with my mum and sister to come close and enjoy this life we have.
So very sad, to say goodbye, but so very sweet to be alive , together , reliving our memories.
Thanks to everyone at Trimurti Yoga in Goa, for such incredible yoga training.
Trimurti Yoga Goa